idk but ive noticed like every year i spend in my current university, my motivation and hopes of becoming whatever kind of artist i wanna be keeps draining, im not saying im being discouraged by anyone directly, its just that before i enrolled (which was 2 yrs ago), i already feel like im not ready for a job and my skills aint good enough so i thought maybe if i learn some more i'll be good enough but seeing at what im at right now, i feel more and more less compatible for any job that i feel like applying for in the near future. Like when I see another student is better than me at something, i just shrug and accept whatever awaits for me which is me not being hired because that other student is better than me.
Like in our Speech class, I've noticed that in our first speaking activity, I was confident and having fun compared to the recent speaking activity, I started to get nervous and I'm afraid it'll get worse and instead of improving, its the other way around and I'll fuck things up when speaking personally to clients or when proposing an idea when im in the industry and so i just accept that i will not be that person who speaks for the team even though i want to because that's what i am before.
I feel like I have nothing to show in real life like yeah i have a shitton of stuff in the internet but i dont think its enough proof of my skills and then i start thinking of getting involved in irl things like contests or whatever but then i think that my online stuff is enough to back me up. Then I think about getting involved in the modding community but looking back at the past years, it hasnt really done me much, modding for me is just another hobby, not something i could brag to my parents because im earning through making virtual hats and weapons. I just keep thinking that I make workshop items for fun and to make my ideas come to life to compensate for the lack of not being able to get anything in game.
Where do I see myself 10 years from now? Most likely in a job that doesnt involve art like working in a fast food chain or call center, or maybe a worker in an industrial park and people turning heads saying that I'm a wasted talent.
not sure if its just my runny nose making me feel all shitty about things but what I really need right now is some total alone time, lying on the grass and staring at the night sky thinking about how to sort out this problem.
TL;DR My enthusiasm and spirit towards my desired career is draining.